there's more to life than cute girls

it's an interesting title.  we'll see where this one goes.

i really like the way pretty people look.  i think i like all people, and God didn't make no junk.  everyone is made in his image, and everyone physically, socially, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically makes a difference.  each human is a piece of the tapestry.

a collage of such magnitude has sects.

what makes me gravitate towards pretty people?  i don't know, but i think i'm about to explode with what i do know.  these people have some sort of implied advantage.  because of circumstances beyond their control, they have privileges.  maybe they don't have to work as hard in school because they gain favor from their appearance.  maybe they have a better chance at networking in the business world because people gather 'round them and their brilliance.  oh it's definitely a factor my friends--this implied advantage is married to tenets of human reality--right up there with gravity if you ask me.

but you're not asking me, i'm just spilling onto this computer screen.

so why do i chase that?  what does social patchwork look like through a different lens?  i feel like my filter is fixed.  i can't get outside of me.  and yet, i still know that there is something--maybe bigger than i realize--beyond the filter fixed on my looking-glass.  but i spend my time searching for these people.  i wonder if they are as deep, as real, as honest, as loving as their not-so-pretty contemporaries.  the brothers and sisters that are top-of-their class in service, love, ethics, splendour.  <--not a real word that i know of, but it looks classy.

i feel as if i'm making allowances and sacrifices to get pretty people to fit within this master template of people that i gravitate towards.  pretty people are easy because they're pretty, but they're always lacking in the other areas.  it's like they spend their time being pretty and forget to bring their honesty to the mall with them.  i don't know.  this is getting weird.

prov. says that beauty is fleeting. 

duh.  i definitely haven't seen any super attractive 80 year olds.  SO WHAT IS GOING ON?

i don't know but i know there's more than pretty.  so why is it such a big deal? 

'cause it is.

and imonna find out

why...

and then i'll tell myself.

i've just been living out the declaration on my title line lately.  i know it doesn't pan out too well on the internet, but if you were with me in person, you might appreciate it more. 

hey it's certainly springtime outside and lonely time inside.  now don't get me wrong.  lonely does not equal bored.  i really don't think i've been bored in years.  i always have something to do.  i praise jesus for that and you should too if you are experiencing a similar blessing. 

is it a blessing?  i guess it is what it is to whomever it is.

now that we are well prefaced, here's what lonely time looks like.  wait, there's one more preface.  whatever falls off my brain onto this screen in the coming sentences is what i think i'm feeling, but i'm not asking for people to feel sorry for me.  i guess i just want to sort it all out, and what better place than on the internet for everbody to see?

xanga is ridiculous.

we are now double-prefaced and here's the beef: it seems that all my friends have bloomed this springtime and attained meaningful relationships with members of the opposite sex.  these are really good and it brings me joy to see my friends experiencing joy.  there's a flipside.  i know it seems i write a lot about relationships here, and i guess i do.  i'm not jealous of my friends, but i feel as though i'm missing out sometimes.  in the time that used to be spent with my boys i am finding myself doing other activities in solitude.

this season of my life stretches me.

solitude is never really solitude.  the God of the entire universe and beyond is always beckoning me to come and spend time with Him and He never leaves me by myself.  sometimes it feels like He does.  I know better though.  All the same, He did give me human interaction and while i can now take advantage of many more opportunities to spend quality time with my Daddy, i feel as though i'm missing out a bit on the quality time i once had with my brothers. 

the foremost reason it would be ridiculous for me to be jealous is because i will one day share in the joy of having a meaningful relationship with a member of the opposite sex.  it's selfish and misplaced for me to demand my brothers to forfeit their relationships in order to fulfill my wants.  this is especially true considering if our positions were switched i would not do such a thing for the lonely boy in the bunch.  it's the timing that kills.  i suppose if we were all on the same schedule it would work better.  if we all enjoyed being single and hanging out together until one day we all woke up and started relationships, i would not be making this entry. 

so no complaint.  a mere observation.

ebb and flow.  there's not a good chance that all of my friends that are currently in relationships will end up marrying the girl they are currently in a relationship with.  that means they will return to the fold of single lonely men, and thus decrease the lonliness.

i think girls think about this stuff a lot more.

i'll only allow enough circulation
to keep these limbs from atrophy
no more oh no, no more i fear
for then it would grow inside of me

a heart that does more than survive
but brings life to my living
learns loving, for giving
what a travesty that would be

he's back.  i'd like to say the little fast accomplished more than it did, but alas, i still spend quite a bit of time on this internet thing they invented.  it was good nonetheless.  if i ever have kids, i wonder what their lives will be consumed with.

kids.

that's another issue.  that's what i want to write about now.  not specifically kids.  more the concept of having them.  it's a simple equation really: man + woman + sex = babies (sometimes on the first try, sometimes after, but those are just the variables playing their roles).

well sheesh.  i'm a man.  i know what women are.  right now i feel about as separated from the idea of being with one for the rest of my life as i've ever been.  don't get me wrong.  i want to be married.  i have seen God do lots of beautiful things through marriages and it is a wonderful picture of our relationship with Christ.  there's some killer companionship there too.  who doesn't long for that?

what's the problem...man?

you tell me...woman.  if you can.  i've been introduced to the idea recently of working for women, aiming high, swinging for the fences, looking past the here-and-now et cetera.  who's idea was that?  i always thought if there was indeed a girl out there that i was to be ultimately wonderfully deeply compatible with, that we'd fit like a key in the door.  when did it become tetris?  where's the beauty in that?  anybody can get good at tetris.  in the human experience we can MAKE things work.  from the beginning of time, adam and eve fashioned leaves into garments.  you can't open your eyes without seeing the manipulation of resources.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmanipulation.

here's a pretty good example:

This is the largest earth mover in the world built by the German company, Krupp, and seen here crossing a federal highway in Germany en route to its destination (an open-pit coal mine). It is cheaper to move the thing like this, than to construct or reassemble onsite.

• The mover stands 311 feet tall and 705 feet long.

• It weighs over 45,500 tons

• Cost $100 million to build

• Took 5 years to design and manufacture

• 5 years to assemble

• Requires 5 people to operate it

• The Bucket Wheel is over 70 feet in diameter with 20 buckets, each of which can hold over 530 cubic feet of material.

• A 6-foot man can stand up inside one of the buckets.

• It moves on 12 crawlers (each is 12 feet wide, 8’ high and 46 feet long)

• There are 8 crawlers in front and 4 in back.

• It has a maximum speed of 1 mile in 3 hours (1/3 mile/hour)

• It can remove over 76,455 cubic meters each day. (100,000 large dump trucks at 40yds. each)

source: http://www.gadgetopia.com/post/4018

p.s.  i'm fascinated by stuff like that.

but i want my relationship with her to look more like this:

kidding...but close.

better still:

no body made that.

God made that.

God made me.  It's likely that God made a woman for me.  somewhere. 

alas, i'm still confused on how it's all supposed to go down.

                                                                                                     i've got time.

Currently Reading Praise Habit: Finding God In Sunsets And Sushi By David A. Crowder see related

i feel like many of you have mastered this.  i bet many of you  have not.  i certainly have not, so i will be putting a little experiment into practice.

the internet is increasingly becoming a haven for stalker websites.  this very place where i pour my heart out for everyone to read and digest (so emo...i know) is indeed a stalker network.  you can find anybody on xanga.  sometimes people don't use their real names.  myspace is pretty similar.  on there you can do pretty much all the same stuff plus you can instant message and be friends with lots of cool bands.

it's a good place to find about 3884383 bands that aren't good too.  check it out sometime.  just type in 'emo' or 'screamo' or 'indie' into that little search engine.  or the best one 'post hardcore'.  you'll find 'em.

for all ye college cats out there you can find real people with real names on facebook.com.  i guess they made it for high schoolers too.  you guys are in trouble.  you can look through everyone's photos of their most cherished events.  it's mostly just getting drunk on the weekends, but occasionally there's some really great albums in there like the ones that people that play in screamo bands put up.  you can even get invites to these sorts of shin digs, but only if you're popular or well-liked or you have enough friends at your particular school.

less harmless, but still quite the time taker: aol instant messenger.  you know what that thing does.  my parents used to be fundamentally opposed to it.  i remember getting in big trouble for getting on there because they didn't know who i was talking to.  i guess i really didn't either.  people could have been lying.  my 5th grade buddies could have been stalkers with guns.  really.  no...really.  it's happened.  so chuck and susan aren't off base.  (they never are).  but they lightened up with lovely lydia got into it, and it became legal.  the one really cool thing about lavender lydia is that she legalized everything that was taboo for us older kids.

no more banter.

the point is that all these things are fun and great and you can probably even find your spouse up in here.  he or she might actually be 50 already with 34 cats and a refrigerator full of only cheese and oregano, but she or he knows how to put up a pretty picture.

who eats cheese and oregano?

finally, i am leaving.  not for long.  but for health.  old people go to the beach for their health.  i'm going to an internet free environment for just a week.  it's more like a vacation.  a fast.  a slow.  call it what you will, but i'm allowing myself only e-mail and the use of a university of kansas website known as blackboard to complete my requirements from academia.  that ought to put me to about 7-13 minutes per day.

THIS IS REMARKABLE!  lately it's been at least an hour a day.  this is not wise.  this is not productive.  i have songs to write, food to make, people to CALL ON THE PHONE AND HEAR THEIR REAL VOICES AND KNOW THEIR REAL EXPRESSIONS, better yet people to touch and listen to and notice how they crinkle their eyebrow when i say nasty things.  what a treat.  who knows?  maybe i'll like it so much i'll never come back.  bilbo baggins left the shire, didn't he?

i love all you internet homies.  keep it off the streets 'til i'm back.

editors note: i am the editor!
editors note part II (and really the important one): 

i hereby promise this day and all the days to follow that everything i write on this xanga site in italics will be 100% free from any sort of sarcasm or exaggeration and completely genuine and true to the inclination of my heart on the given day that i write words in said typeface.